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email: noreia@planet-save.com.

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body jewelry by bodyPUNKS!

body jewelry by bodyPUNKS!

body jewelry by BodyPUNKS!

 

may 10th, 2005; 1:55? p.m. in sociology class

truths about myself:

i think i am better than some people.

and worse than others.  for a variety of reasons.  i now rate myself on a social scale which i had escaped for a long time.  this is due to insecurity.  which leads to:

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i am very comfortable with myself, and i am very uncomfortable with myself. 

i am kicking internalized homophobia's ass, but i also suddenly care about looking a certain way, listening to certain music, doing what is "acceptable" to those few people that i see as part of the subculture i probably best fit into.  i do what i like, but this "acceptable" standard sits in the back of my mind, no matter how much i like to just think that "i am who i am."  i keep telling myself to stop caring, to stop adhering to perceived judgments that may not even be there -- and if they are, who cares?

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i am falling far behind in school.

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i feel guilty for spending money on anything, ever -- except maybe when it's on other people.

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i am completely sleep-deprived today.

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i hate that i do self-destructive things.  it makes me feel like i am lying down and becoming a victim to the "system."  it makes me feel like a weak human being.

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i have been afraid of letting my girlfriend really see me.  i am getting over that, but now i am afraid that she won't really see me, that there won't be room in her for my thoughts, my experiences, my perceptions.  her waters are too deep, dark, unnavigable already, and i'm afraid i will tire of the effort of trying to explain myself.  i won't compete for attention with her, and i will hold all the depth inside because maybe she thinks her pain has been more than mine, because i can never express it all, all the tragic beauty and story and past, so why try?

but i really want to try.  i'm starting to hunger for that real life, for that knowing and being known.  because when we get through to each other, when we reach through the haze of self and past experience and distrust and pain, when our fingers intertwine and our eyes lock in understanding, i taste truth, purity, love.  and it is so worth it.

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she baffles me because she is like me in so many ways.  she is like no one else i've ever met. she challenges me.  she is so truthful about herself and knows herself so well, and in turn she reveals the truth about me -- which is hard to deal with, but incredible.  i am humbled and in awe.  she actually makes me feel incompetent to express myself in words -- which is rare.  every time i hear a piano, i think of her.  i love her.

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i am so very, very tired of this schedule, this . . . everything.  so tired of being.  so tired of the effort.

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i don't know what i'm going to call home today, where i'm going to be.  i don't know what i long for, where i belong -- except that ancient land, so far away.

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i can't wait for the summer, when i can breathe.

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i dread the summer, because i will miss her.  and i will miss my beautiful, mysterious household that calms me and frightens me.

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i think i am hungry.  i feel fat.  i feel dirty.

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("we don't ask to be loaded up with stereotypes and ommissions when we come into the world" [over melancholy piano music] -- sociology video)

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i don't know where my walkman is and i crave beautiful music.

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i'm starting to remember how much is inside of me, and i'm in awe of it all, the depth, the beauty of life.  i think my last girl messed me up a lot.  i think that now, my girlfriend -- this situation -- is doing a lot for me.  teaching me, when i was too proud to know i needed to be taught.  she exposes underlying attitudes in my words that i didn't even want to admit were there.  thank you, fig.

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this is life, unfolding itself for me.  this is real, destiny, God, killdeer.

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Posted by: noreia at 16:12 | link | comments |