vanilla raindrops

email: noreia@planet-save.com.

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United States, California, sometimes Steiermark, Austria, something bored teenagers say when they speak useless words into brick walls of cotton candy, English, German, Noreia,creative writing, fiction, reading, college student, strange, cat power, mogwai, arap strap, dresden dolls, white oleander, the earth, my butt, and other big, round things, welcome to the dollhouse, fuckers.

body jewelry by bodyPUNKS!

body jewelry by bodyPUNKS!

body jewelry by BodyPUNKS!

 

may 10, 2005; 3:44 am

tired eyes, and the temptation of sleep.  i lie on the floor of my old bedroom at my parents house and read about women and girls attacking their own bodies with rules and denials and sharp metal objects. 

i try to let my professors know that i care about what they are teaching, that i am interested, despite the fact that i can't seem to churn out these assignments as they pile up.  i spend nine hours patrolling the used floor, or putting CDs in security cases, and i think about the books i could be reading, but the ritual actions, the clanging of plastic  into crates, is therapeutic and numbing, soothing. 

i float around the store in my long black coat and watch the sky outside the window as it slowly sucks away all the sunlight.  i think about sushi and gay literature and days at the beach.  i feel guilty for never being at home. 

guilt: i feel it toward myself.  for spending earned money on lunch, for not pulling straight As for once.  guilty for being wherever i am instead of wherever i think i should be.  guilty for doing whatever i fall into doing, guilty for not "applying myself."  so that is what i am doing tonight -- forcing my eyelids to stay open as i read my women's psychology reader, wondering how i'm going to form the words to write an essay.  but i'm forming words now.

i have to remember to form words.  they have to flow like water, bleed, breathe.  i'm forming words now.

and i'm trying to figure out everything, and the pressure makes me numb, robotic, animatronic.  (animatronic: of, relating to, or being a puppet or similar figure that is animated by means of electromechanical devices  -- mirriam-webster.)  

but she teaches me to live, to love, to cry.  to remember music.  to remember myself.  she teaches me that i am selfish, that i do not know everything, especially about human beings.  she teaches me to bleed.  to breathe.  to be.

Posted by: noreia at 01:57 | link | comments |