vanilla raindrops

email: noreia@planet-save.com.

This is my blogchalk:
United States, California, sometimes Steiermark, Austria, something bored teenagers say when they speak useless words into brick walls of cotton candy, English, German, Noreia,creative writing, fiction, reading, college student, strange, cat power, mogwai, arap strap, dresden dolls, white oleander, the earth, my butt, and other big, round things, welcome to the dollhouse, fuckers.

body jewelry by bodyPUNKS!

body jewelry by bodyPUNKS!

body jewelry by BodyPUNKS!

 

 so i just commented all over sb's blog.

less than two weeks left at home and everything seems to be held together by thin threads. i think the Bible says somewhere that you shouldn't say, "tomorrow we will go to this city and buy and sell," when your life could end tonight. instead you should say, "God-willing, i will go to this city and do such and such." and i feel like that's what i'm doing. in two weeks, it will be over. i'll either be on a plane to austria, feeling young and excited in the big world, ready to climb into a brand new existence, an unknown but promising future -- or . . . i won't be. i'll be -- but i don't want to think about that. God, you know my thoughts. i don't understand anything, but i know you love me, so i'll deal with it.

unstable people, and i'm not in control. God, do you watch over her when i can't follow? can you change someone who has been damaged since her youth? is there actually a possibility of a healthy existence without you, or are people, left to themselves, ultimately self-destructive and unstable and damaged? never letting go, bringing each other down. and what is my part in any of this?

i used to run around looking for people to save. now i want a smooth life, things to fall in order, everyone to be happy. i'm okay, so why isn't everyone else? maybe you're getting it through my head that this current mindframe, this wanting things to just become perfect all around me, is blind and flawed just like the "saving everyone" phase was. "i saw the pain in the way she smiled . . ." there is pain and i would like it to leave, i would like it not to be there because i am not in it personally now, and from this standpoint it looks easy. "just be happy and well-adjusted," i would like to tell everyone, as if those were the magic words they just haven't heard yet. one, two, three, poof! you're cured.

"wherever you are, you will carry always

the weight of your scars and the darkness of your faith.

slowly move on. how did we get to here?

it all went wrong, gravity claiming all your tears."

it's hard to deal with because i know that mental health is elusive for some people, for many people. i remember the depths but i'd rather forget. how can i step down into the murky water of her mind? if she doesn't care about herself, what can my caring for her do? she's let down walls of paper, but holds up walls of stone. if she's reading this . . . i love you.

last night i stood for a few moments on a wooden balcony in the old section of town. the tiny orange house lights and streetlights all around, against the black hills. feeling the cool wind like your breath, a reminder of all that is alive, of what it is to live. flying is familiar from my dreams, and i believe it's possible with you. the darkness becomes tiny and far away, and it's good to breathe in from a high place and to know that you work all things for good.

Posted by: noreia at 20:53 | link | comments (5) |