vanilla raindrops

email: noreia@planet-save.com.

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body jewelry by bodyPUNKS!

body jewelry by bodyPUNKS!

body jewelry by BodyPUNKS!

 

uninvited

"R" of my april 25 post is having a baby shower and i am uninvited. three letters and it's all over. oh well.

five days ago. it was a warm evening. i was in the house when my mother said, "j*****'s here."

my reaction: "what?" i looked out the window and sure enough, there he was, casually leaning against a big brown car (he has a car now?) and talking to my sister. i am not ready for this, i thought, and i ran in the bathroom.

after a few minutes of staring at myself in the mirror, wondering why my heart was beating like a bass drum and trying to stop the shaking of my hands, my mom knocked on the door. "you have a visitor."

and so it came about. he decided to drop back into my life. and not even a week later, in my cell phone's "missed calls" list, his name is displayed five times. he showed up at my house when i was at church. i went out with him friday night -- driving over dark streets, red and green traffic lights, over bridges, sneakers squeaking on polished floors of a mall. rambling about random things, laughter. "i'm sorry," he said. "i did it for you," he said. "if i would have known about the cancer, i would have been there for you."

yes, but i didn't need you to be there for me, j. i know a love that you've probably never tasted, i know the meaning of the word trust.

and it's strange now, riding with one leg propped up on the red-orange flame-painted passenger seat that won't sit up straight, looking at him through different eyes. eyes that have sucked in the air of two wonderful and desperate years. eyes that have seen my hands claw at dry earth, that have seen the look of lovelight reflected in another pair of eyes. i have cat power, i'm thinking as i watch his dog lick his face. (i'm not a dog person and you don't even know.)

not long ago, spike took me to her willow tree down by the bridge. its hanging leaves shade a picnic table. she said she used to go there and smoke and look at the beautiful tree. when we got there, we saw that someone had strung nets across the tree's lower branches, carved graffitti into the table. the tree was sad, i felt it. i should have removed the nets. trees cannot be chained.

he told me how pagan spirituality changed his life. "how?" i asked, because we'd talked about it years ago, and i never understood his vague descriptions. "well, i used to just run around and destroy things and not give a fuck," he said. "now i appreciate nature and life. i see that things are beautiful."

not ten minutes later he was telling me how they netted the tree. "did you see that tree?" he smiled. "that was me and my friends. it used to have a lot more nets but they fell down." i'm nodding and nodding, and feeling slightly sorry for him because he has no idea how much that is not impressing me right now.

yeah, i'll hang out with you, dude. i was over you, i am over you now. i don't know what you want or why you're doing this, but i don't much care anymore. i spent a lot of time trying to figure you out two years ago, but it almost smiles me now to think of how beautifully things have worked out.

i think i'll go untie that tree sometime.

thoughts he never saw, from october 22.

Posted by: noreia at 09:26 | link | comments (1) |