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thoughts he never saw

from june 3, 2002; 10:52 pm

I'm so scared.

That everything is going to be taken away from me

and i have no control over it,

no grasp on it.

I am scared to lose you.

you say you want to go live in alaska,

away from this crazy world, everyone.

and you jokingly asked me to join you.

and once you said, "just me, the wolves, . . . and one other

person."

but you have no idea how much I want you to mean that

about me.

my dad, tonight, sat with me on the front steps

as I fought the tears in his presence and blinked hard up at the

starry sky.

he talked to me, apologized

for an insignificant incident we'd had

over the printer

and so he sat with me and talked

about life and told me not to worry

and told a million stories from his youth and his decisions

and said it's nearly impossible to waste a year when you're

eighteen

and said I shouldn't think I'm being pressured and I should just

step back from the rat race and I don't have to live up and be

perfect

my dad is "way laid back."

I laughed, thinking that he is more laid back than any other adult

I know

yet he's the responsible,

the always caretaker of us.

and he said I should just have fun

like this summer, hang out with friends

(or my "friend," as he said, and I now he meant you)

he said I just need a driver's license, and then

I won't feel so -- what was the word he used? -- but it meant

"trapped."

"you can just go driving, and find a nice spot, and stop and eat a

sandwich," he said

"or go to the library or a coffee shop or anywhere, and sometimes

it makes you feel a lot better, just to go somewhere and read a

book . . . you could pick up your friend and go to the movies

or whatever . . ."

and I thought, yes, that's true; it would be convenient to drive

but that's not the real issue

for me

now

.

my real issue is God I'm so afraid to lose you

you say we'll hang out during the summer

and I only hope that's true

I dare to hope

I love you so much

but still don't understand you

I'm afraid because

every time I start to feel at ease,

thinking I actually, finally "get" you

(and forgetting how troubled you made me before,

with my always-always-always thinking of you. always.)

then, suddenly, you surprise me again.

and I love you for it,

but it scares me

a lot.

and I'm afraid that next year,

I'll go away and leave

everything

because I have to

(what else can I do? but I don't want to leave. And if you asked me

to, I'd stay. with you. but I'm afraid that maybe you don't really

want me to; maybe you're not that serious.)

and you'll -- yes -- meet someone else

and love her

and forget me

and you know what I think maybe I'm most scared of?

of being alone.

of no one in the world loving me (besides my family, but it's

different with them,

because they didn't choose me -- I was just born to this family.

With you -- you chose me, you chose me to love, and that

was -- is -- everything).

I am not afraid to "waste" a year by not going to college

but I am terrified of wasting a year by being alone

utterly on my own

and I feel so connected to you

and I would miss you so much

and how can I tell you all this, when it will scare you?

I love

just lying on the bed at night,

telephone to my ear,

listening to your voice

or your silence

I love spending that time with you

although you're not "really" here

because you say you like to spend it with me, too

and that amazes me

and I don't know why you like me.

you're bruised by life and people

but I want it to be the two of us

against the world

we could be something

together.

I wonder if I'll ever show you this,

and if I do,

if it will be good or bad

if it will scare you,

or if you'll say, "I totally understand;

I know what you mean."

I'm sorry

I don't mean to be clingy

but actually I guess I want you to want me to be clingy

but more than anything,

I just want to say

that i love you

so

much

.

11:12 pm

Posted by: noreia at 01:20 | link | comments |